it feels so very sad when when your near and dear ones take you for granted... its painful..many go through it.. now, even me. Starting from a very early age, it still continues to happen. Many have taken me for granted, those whom i have loved and still do. Just because i dont say many a things, they do this.. i have never put my problems across people rather, i have not been able to tell people what i feel.. i had this the most when i was in that so called friendship with her... she tested my patience like hell.. made me do all sorts of things just because i never knew what she was doing to me... a big lier who could invent lies just on a snap of her finger... i regret i was with her... she has made me wait for hours for her !! Punctuality is supposed to be a virtuous trait, but it seems like, today a person who is punctual is a fool. And I am a fool who waits and waits and waits for everyone… I guess I cant speak for myself.. or people wont be making a fool of me.. It hurts, really… hurts a lot.. Maybe, I need to change and not expect anything from people…Never ever !!

phew !!

These are some of the unexciting days of my life.. I am almost confined to these four walls of my home since may, after I came back from native with mom. i at times wonder when at times you go through lousy period of life, while at times your life is full of work !! Until April I was on my heels doing everything from handling house hold work to collecting notes to studying to devoting time to him…. Everything .. But now, all I do is just be at home.

My college begins next month so, the wait continues… I feel how lucky my friends are who could resume their course of interest sooner than me.. I now feel I should have done some work or at least some course !! but then my parents, hmm, what to tell about them.. i was told that I shouldn’t be working because it was believed that my course would start by July which finally was delayed until August.. I don’t think anybody would count on days for leaving if they were their parents only daughter, or understand that they are much needed at home… but I am… I am desperately counting on days and there are 11 days before I leave. .i hate it when I don’t have anything to do.. I have hated vacations and Sundays, just because I would be at home doing nothing.. now a days my daily activity beings with me getting up by 6.30, finishing cooking before my parents leave for work (yes, I do the cooking) that would be by 8.30 max… bathing and going to temple would take another hour , by 11 or 11.30 I am done with the news paper and talking to him… a little browsing after that and then I sit here like a punching doll would sit !! phew, disgusting !! I simply hate this kind of life. .this is boredom. Life has to be fast and quick… though after lot of fast pace you do get tired and want to lay back for some time… and that kind of rest gives you a boost to come back with full bang !! oh yea, I too have my Monday blues but its just until I meet people !! how I wish I was at work doing something… I mean starting with my new course of travel and tourism… I am eager to start with it.. .i want to know what it is all about.. I want to learn.. i want to be in a new environment.. I want to experience hostel life and then give my verdict whether its good or bad or just ok !! my parents are simply fretting about me going away for 2yrs.. as if I am going away forever… cant blame them.. I am their only child, possessive they are, but I need my space… I really need it !! I am desperate for it… I hate it at times when I have to do everything what my parents say.. I know they wish my well being but I need to learn… I need to make decisions.. I need to learn with trial and error… I have to be my self. .and I want to invent myself in these 2 yrs of my stay away from Mumbai…Well, well, well, back to my topic of boredom…I being a person who doesn’t hang out with friends finds it very difficult to be at home to do nothing... and friends get tired when I always decline their offer to go out and now a days anyone hardly asks me out !! As of now, I have taken up cooking to keep me busy !! yes, cooking !! I am experimenting with food !! After making the usual stuff for so long, a change in tastes was a pleasant welcome from my parents… I need to say that I am not a bad cook.. my food is tasteable !!! But then, experimenting everyday wont go good with my parents since it would leave a big hole in their pockets as the price of veggies are on a rise… hmm, so I need to limit that too…Oh! And then I got hold of two classics Emma and Wuthering Heights… I could hardly scale through Emma, finished a hundred pages and I jumped to the other book which I readable… I am determined to finish reading Emma, but don’t know when I will but I will…

Just a few more days and I will be back on my heels.. learning…wow ! I am excited… I am so damn eager to do it… I am looking forward to my stay at Thiruvananthapuram ..hoping that it will be an experience and still counting my days here… 11 days more !!!

wasteland limericks ...

i personally had a very tough time studying wasteland, but this limerick of the same by wendy cope is so much of a relief to the not so readable "Wasteland".

I.
In April one seldom feels cheerful;
Dry stones, sun and dust make me fearful;
Clairvoyants distress me,
Commuters depress me--
Met Stetson and gave him an earful.

II.
She sat on a mighty fine chair,
Sparks flew as she tidied her hair;
She asks many questions,
I make few suggestions--
Bad as Albert and Lil--what a pair!

III.
The Thames runs, bones rattle, rats creep;
Tiresias fancies a peep--
A typist is laid,
A record is played--
Wei la la. After this it gets deep.

IV.
A Phoenician called Phlebas forgot
About birds and his business--the lot.
Which is no surprise,
Since he met his demise
And was left in the ocean to rot.

V.
No water. Dry rocks and dry throats.
Then thunder, a shower of quotes!
From The Sanskrit to Dante.
Da. Damyata. Shantih.
I hope you'll make sense of the notes.

aspirations...

Aspirations.. one that leads to high goals in life. Every human being has to aspire in order to reach what he aims at. True that when you aspire for a mountain that you get a ant-hill.. but tell me, is just aspiration the only thing necessary? This thought comes to me when I hear my friends talking high about what they want to be… As kids we often say, we want to be a doctor or an engineer or a teacher or even a Miss India.. but how often do we become what we say to be.. I thought it a pity when one of my friends who very well knew about her capability boasting to be an I.A.S officer… disgusting, thought me.. tell me reader, is it sensible for a person who has been failing her exams regularly, never having an ability to take up any responsibility, no kindness but utter ruthlessness, and a very light attitude to life ever clear I.A.S… she MIGHT have but that requires determination, patience, courage and lots of hard work along with a bit of good luck.. we can surely find many such cases in everyday life… and these are a source of constant amusement to all around…. I swear, my mother and I had a hearty laugh at this episode..that silly girl failing her exam and sitting with me on the railway platform, telling me that the lecturers didn’t give her marks and assuring me that one day she definitly will become an I.A.S…. I consoled her with pity in my heart. Pity because, she cant open her closed eyes and see for herself that it takes a lot to reach so high..


If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; there is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.
Henry David Thoreau

success !!!

it is such a nice feeling when you have actually become a graduate.. after passing out 12th, i was in extreme confusion as to where to join for my degree. principals of a couple of top colleges asked me to come back after i had finished my first year of college even when i had got a distinction as they had to accommodate their in-house students. then, sophia came as a ray of hope being an all girls college..i was sure to get through and i did. i was enamored by the campus..so beautiful it is with the plush central lawn and the terrace garden. the building which was once a palace was converted into college and that grandeur of the palace remains. three years of the college went past so soon that we sit here wondering as to how soon the time passes.
first year was good. it was quiet... making friends and knowing all the nook and corner of the college and also about the clubs, was about it. kaleidoscope (our college fest) was as silent for me as the entire year.no participation, nothing. just being quiet, not even a viewer... i was just a silent girl. attentive as some say, but i would say i was lost. one among the first bencher that i was, was in the notice of all the lecturers. got good marks but had to slog in the end for french and i can never stop thanking priyanka for teaching me french. i used to call her my guru. memories of the earlier college life that i had with my small group of girl friends was fresh and that was the main reason for my frequent visits there.. but then life changes and memories fade, so, in the second year i guess i was anew. i was active that year. projects, kaleidoscope, seminars, clubs... you name it and i was there. had a lot of fun that year, well, i should say the first half or a bit more. i thought it was because i had good friends.. but then the second half of the year was a real eye opener... i got to know people.. i knew whom to trust and whom to distrust. cant say i have fully learned it but to an extend i can decide. i broke friendships with people never to talk to them again.. i used to think, if i didn't have these friends then i wouldn't be anything, but only in the third year did i realize that people had a very bad impression about me because i roamed with my ex- so-called-friends. past is past... future is bright...
after getting through the second year, the main headache was to get single majors. many would settle for double, but i wanted single and i did get it. i could proudly say that i got a single major in english literature and i was happy when claassmates would say "wow".. those days were fun.. i was nervous wreck on the first day of my final year.i went and sat in one corner of the room having the complex of sitting beside 23 scholars in english, well, i was the 24th ;). nervousness would increase day after day and cypri and me would ask each other "how are we gonna pass"? threats came from lecturers and once they marched right into our class room, all together, saying we weren't doing enough research and that they don't see anyone from our class in the library. that was it, we were all so fired up that we had to be in the library. there would at least be one person from our class from the time library opened until it closed for the day... then came the major headache, projects. we had to do two projects and the whole class was so clueless about doing it. drafts after drafts were given... shouldn't they realize that students though given enough time can't do projects that too drafts after drafts and also study that too after collecting so lot of study material which is unorganised. then finally the whole class submitted their respective projects and had the feeling of a great accomplishment. our farewell was a memorable one with the whole class of 24 girls looking pretty in saree. we had a whole lot of fun and even now when i sit here, iam simling at the pleasurable time we spent then.. tiring but awesome and never forgetting... then finally came our messy affair with preliams. most of us cleared.... we were given a lunch party by our lecturers as we all did well.. and we could say it was a bribe to do even better in the finals.fun, fun and more fun was the theme... mind blowing...
finally the d-day came and we reached our respective exam centers with fear in our eyes and growl in our stomachs. but what has to pass will pass and so did exams.... we parted keeping our finger crossed and promise to meet again..... we met for our results. yup we were there and hoping the best for everyone.. it was good for some, bad for the others. that is what happens after every exam. but what a wonder, the class which was thought to be hopeless and non-responsive and a set of odd students for english literature helped to secure 13 first classes as against 4 from the last year's batch which was called one of the finest...
so, ain't we the best??
what fine moments of life has passed in that college.. it was so beautiful and was a learning experience in itself.. i would say my life today is so, just for sophia... i owe a lot to it... and today i am successful !!

emotions

emotions.... you name them and i have it. all of them...just about too much of it which usually lands me in sticky situations... if i had to laugh, i'll laugh aloud.. if i need to be sad, i'll be so sad that no man except one can ever change my mood.. and even if that one man does change me, it boomerangs back... what to do... i guess some people are made that way...but i should never forget to mention that one emotion which never leaves me alone - that of a cry baby....
u just need to raise your voice over me and you will be flooded with tears... mine. can't help it. why, just few minutes back i had done with this exercise. things are usually very good between me and my love... but at times we do quarrel and the funniest part is that our teasing and leg-pullings lead to quarrels which brings me to cry and him to feel sorry about it. my poor baby has to call me up to say that he loves me and that takes tears off my face..
this, my first ever blog, is just an aftermath of a love sequence...writing this with a hope (which never turns out true) that i can contain my emotions !!!